Mutiny on the Bounty
Molestana takes some cheap grabs on Captain Bligh
(Police soon came over and asked me to leave)
Mutiny on the Bounty
Molestana takes some cheap grabs on Captain Bligh
(Police soon came over and asked me to leave)
My buddy challenged me to beat David Boone's record for beers consumed. 
He
did 52 in a 26 hour flight in 1989. Twelve years later the record
still stands. Well this cricket player would be challenged by me.
I downed 15 beers in the 5 hour flight to LA. Had another 6 in the
airport bar, and capitalized on another 19 before I found myself sleeping
through the cinema classic, Josie and the Pussycats (simply the worst movie
ever.) I woke up with 1 hour remaining, wondering what had happened
to my 5 hours (that I had been sleeping.) In a mad effort to reach
52 I pounded 4 beers in the hour, but came up 8 short. Sean and Kevin
assure me I have captured the Transpacific record with 44 and quite possibly
the old record that Boonie smashed so many years before. 
We went out as soon as we landed and we stayed out til 1 am. A nice walk to a 7/11 found me finding the greatest food source known to man. THE MEAT PIE. These wonderful pot pies of delicious and healthy fun should be brought to the states.
Many stories, so let me hit one or two.
Wallabies vs All Blacks. Jonathan Eales last game as a Wallaby.
Well it was my first international. It was fun. The seats were center, but about a mile back. Not bad in consideration. We drank lots of beer and cheered for the Wallabies. They were down with less than a minute left when they scored to go ahead and eventually win the match. Wild night.
We went out afterwards, had a few beers and found ourselves crashing home early. My system was knocked out after my 26 hour flight and 6 hour drinking the night I arrived. Minor sight seeing in Sydney included a few playoff games around town.
Sunday: Sydney. We sightsee around Sydney and take the ferry
across to Manly. Manly was fun town. I found a fortune teller
and went in to get my fortune read. She started with, "How long ago
did your wife or girlfriend leave you." Pretty spooky that she had
it right on. So she informed me of my future. An interesting
future for sure. But one thing that I thought was funny was that
she said I would "hook up" with some girl in Australia. I told th
boys about it and they were assuring me that I would fulfill my prophecy. 
Sean drops Bubby and I off at this bar with hot chickies at about 5 pm and drink til around 8 pm. Bubby and I talk a bit about my X and he consoles me. I catch Bubby up on his brethren. Sean picks us up from the bar for some Curry and we leave the hostel of heaven for food. After a delicious meal, we decide (Kevin and I) that we need to go back to the bar. Kevin replies that "while I know it was the right thing to do (going to dinner) we could be eating Pussy by now instead of curry."
We get back and find ourselves at the end of a very long line. We walk over to the Coogee Hotel (all the bars are hotels for some reason)and we drink there for a while. I quickly get into character and am sporting the USSR jersey, a montana flag, and a candy necklace. I tell Bubby, "if I Know Aussie chicks, they will smell the concentrated sugar in this necklace and be on me in no time." Less than a minute later a little blonde lassy is nibbling on my neck and playing with my flag. She then introduces her boyfriend....and Bubby and I decide it is time we find another bar. We head back to the first bar, but along the way decide to go to the beach. We get naked and do Tai Chee on the beach for about 10 seconds before redressing and heading to the bar. On the way, Bubby yells at these guys "the new word is Chingas....use it well." The guy replies, "In what context." He replies "any context you f'en want....don't ask idiot brothers to define things in grammatical context." We continue. We try to trick the bartender into telling us where the service elevator is by telling her we are "representatives of Smirnoff from Russia and we need to bring some up the elevator." The line is still there so we step into the downstairs pub and that is where I meet the Wallabie Flanker Owen Finnigan. This guys is big. So anyways, he introduces me, we have a couple beers and he takes us upstairs (guess he has some pull with the bouncers to get us in.) We go our seperate ways at that point...but I say to Bubby, "I don't think this is the last time we will see Mr. Finnigan."
So we have about 30 minutes before they close the bar down. I quickly order a jug (I think it just sounds so much more idiot brother jargon than pitcher) and we have it 3/4 done when Bubby orders another. I decide to put my Montana flag to use on some pretty blonde thing, so I approach.....and use the standard "I would like you to have this gift from my country." She asks which country it is from (the Montana flag) and I say, USA. She hoots and tells me she is from Texas. What upsets me most about this is not the fact that she is holding my flag, curious to its origins (Montana is spelled across the bloody flag) but the fact that the first chick I hit on is a friggin American. I grab the gift back, giver her a nice PAC pin, spend about 4 minutes chatting and help Bubby finish off the other jug....as we are being escorted out by this big maori. He tells us of a magical place where beer flows all night and women get naked for money. Where the lights are red, and the meat pies are hot. He tells me of a little place called King's cross. So we attempt to find this mysterious free shuttle when next thing I know, Bubby has commodered a taxi and is sharing it with Leo, some fruity kiwi looking for the gay clubs. Well we sat and discussed the finer points of tantra (Bubby had never heard of it) while the entire time LEO swore that he was just going to a bar called Tantra and no longer wanted to hear about internal ejaculation, especially from the likes of Bubby and I. Yang Tu Chi our cabbi just drove and drove.
We found ourself in the cross and preceded to some strip joint suggested by a walking advertiser upstairs. Scrawny little guy told us that there were naked chicks and no cover downstairs. We headed down and were quickly hit up for beers. We took 2 and sat down in the front row. Bubby also bought 2 and we watched the stage for action. About that time we were approached by 2 strippers asking if we would head up stairs with them for some touchy touchy. So I pulled out the Rugby rules of travel and reversed them on the girls.
(the rules are:
0. Speak only in the vernacular of pirates.
1. Eat and drink at every opportunity.
2. Sleep only when it is safe.
3. Make a strong impression on every woman you meet; good or bad matters
not, just give her cause to remember you
4. Never pay cash when credit is accepted
5. Use your real name as little as possible
6. When low on funds, mooch off strangers and as a last resort, friends
7. Never argue with authorities (policeman, customs, etc...) instead create
confusion to your advantage.
8. Anytime you find yourself at a loss for words or in a need of something
to say, rely on that classic bluesman's phrase
"haw, haw, haw" (acceptable in toasting, conversation, etc...)
"I might," I said, "if you talk to me in a Pirate venacular." They looked confused. Bubby says, "You know....." covering one eye with his hand, "Ayye matey....speak like a pirate." They take off and next thing you know we are hit up by 2 different ones. This went on until the show started. She strips down to her pubic hair and Bubby yells, "A dingo ate my pussy." This tour pretty much has been a tour of repetition. If something was funny once it will be said all week. Now at this point this chick is out dancing and I look at my beer a bit closer. NON ALCOHOLIC Beer. What the fuck is that? I show Bubby and he goes through the roof. he grabs the waitress and says, "where is the f'en piss in my beer?" "Sorry honey, we don't sell alcohol....we don't want to put ourselves in danger from drunks." Bubby replies, "listen here honey....men become quite feral once they find out they have been paying $7 for fake beer." We put our bottles on the floor, spilling them on the carpet and exit.
On the way up we grab the little guy that told us about the place and put him head first in a garbage can. We then walk down to another strip bar, but this time they do sell alcohol. We are watching this hottie strip when that hot little blonde from the Coogee Motel shows up and starts biting my necklace again. Seems that her boyfriend and her wanted to see some tits and ass too. She then paid for dance for us and her boyfriend and her sat behind us making out. Attempts to Plant my MT flag in her g string went rejected and they soon asked us to leave.
We went into McDonalds around 2 and had some burgers and hit the streets again.
We hit one more, but no alcohol caused us to move along.
We then hit EMPIRE and the BOURBON BEEFSTEAK which are 2 all night bars. Since about midnight,Bubby has been saying, "this isn't a good idea....we really shouldn't stay out late when we have to be up at 6 am for a 3 hour flight to the desert followed by a 5 K hike in the mountains." But, as he later admitted, we are idiot brothers. So as it hit 3 am we entered Empire. we snagged a beer and he introduced me to 2 or 3 Rugby league greats and one AFL star. Then it was up to the dance floor where Bubby isisted we head towards the stage and band.
We get up there and he says, "I thought you said you strip topless at dance clubs." So I shed my shirt and convinced him to do as well and we started dancing to this fantastic band. I look over and suddenly I see Owen Finnigan shedding his top and dancing with us....by the time the Maori door guys arrived about 15 idiots were dancing topless....including the band (the female singer was still in a bra. We put the shirts back on, stumbled out of the bar around 430 for food at Hungry Jacks, which is a bazzarro world version of Burger King (it has the same logo...NAME inside 2 buns)
As I enter, a group of muslim Australians are mocking me..."you American?" Yes I reply, "are you a jew...are you from Jew York?" No I say, then they mock rugby union (they are leaguers. Bubby is ordering food and I am laughing at them we quickly are escorted outside and the muslim extremists then start throwing fries at people and the police come and that is about the end of that story.
We jump into a cab and the cabbie is completely clue less of english. Bubby asks him if he knows who George Bush is and the Chinamen says no. So he says Bill clinton and he says yes. So I was Bill Clinton. We asked his name several times but unfortunately we could understand him. So Bubby just started calling him steve.
We didn't know where Sean lived so we just directed him to the town
of Coogee near the ocean and once we got close we aimed him in the right
direction. The next day sucked.
Final thought, I have a picture of a dog....and I told Bubby, I have
a picture of a dingo now. He is like, dude, that is a schnauzer.
I am like, "don't eat the snitzel they are using snauzer....and that went
on for days.
