Pigs and Roos in the NW

(this picture was found at Pacificnorthwest.com...must be one of those NW porn sites)
I LOVE IT!

The trip started as a business trip to Fresno, CA, followed by a trip to Portland and then a short stop in Phoenix to tie up some loose ends.  I had spent some time in Fresno the year before and hung out with the Fresno Rugby team then.  Well I called them up again and planned on meeting out for some beers at their AGM.  Turns out, the AGM was at one of their houses and the President ushered me in and introduced me to the team.  They asked for some advice on some tour issues and I drank beers with them for a while.

I also met their Web designer who created the Prop Washboard stomach on the front page of Prop Talk (the big guy with the grill on his stomach)  Good group of guys and gal.

My trip then took me north to Portland.  The Portland rugby club asked if I wanted to travel up to Seattle with them to play Valley Kangaroos.  I had played these boys a few months before at Maggotfest, in Missoula, MT and knew they were a fun side.  I agreed and got a hotel for the Friday night before in Portland.

Turns out the only room available in the hotel was the Jacuzzi suite.  SO I took it.  I made some comment to the cute receptionist at the hotel that I would be expecting her up after she got off work with bikini in tow.  She giggled and I went on my way.

There is nothing more funny that seeing a 300 + lb prop sitting in a jacuzzi with a case of beer, some smut magazines, a spitter watching Pearl Harbor.  I knew I was getting drunk when I started bombing the empties (which were floating in the jacuzzi) so I moved to the couch.  Finished the movie and hit the hay, anticipating the 3 hour drive to Seattle.

I was driving in a Pontiac Grand Am with Montana plates (fitting) from the rental agency.  I couldn't resist the beer on the way up, so I cracked a couple (8 during the drive) and followed the directions given to me by the Portland club.  I quickly found that the exit I was to take, was incorrect.  There was not field, road or street named after these spots.  Turns out the Seattle club had sent incorrect directions, or rather confusing.  First of all, we should have taken Interstate 405, not 5 and it was exit 179, it was exit to route 179.  Long story short, I found myself sitting off of the UW campus.  So I got a can of copenhagen and head back south.

One thing I was happy about was that the prices of tobacco in California did not carry over to Washington.  Copenhagen in Fresno was $8.80 a can.  While it was still a pricey $5 in Washington, it was better than CA prices.  During the drive to the field, the radio played White Snake's Here I go again.  Listening to the lyrics, I decided to make it the Idiot Odyssey theme song.  I bought a copy of the album for the drive back.

I got to the pitch and found the rugby teams well into the game.  The game ended and we drank up with the boys from Valley Kangaroos.  Only a handful of Portland boys were staying including the match secretary, Jeff Hovey.  Well we met up with some of his buddies with Valley and went to Todd Schmidt's house.  He is a prop and another prop was to join us.  We got to his pad, a nice mountain side home with jacuzzi and we got beer and jumped in.  We talked rugby and the other prop came along.  We were at max capacity in the jacuzzi (3 props and a flanker) and decided it was time to hit the road for he bars.  We dressed, I gave the boys from Valley and Portland KGB tshirts and we were off.

We arrived at the bar and pizza was being served.  The other prop, Mark "Silent Bob" Roberts, was also from Montana and ordered me a prairie fire (Tequila and tabasco).  I told him I would drink it if he did a flaming sambuca with me.  He refused and drank the fire drink.  That along with a golf ball to his beer and the pain killers, ended his night.  The other Portland boys showed up, Seth, Pat Sajack, and Chavez.  These guys were all good idiots.  Before we left, I golf balled (drop a golf ball in someone's drink and they must pound the entire thing.)  We also hit on some chicks sitting by themselves.....at the time.  As we sat down and started talking, 4 guys showed up and it turned out they were all married, except one couple, who didn't even know each other (blind date or something.)  The guy was cracking on my kilt and I looked at his scrawny frame all decked out in Adidas apparel and said, "You do know you are white right?  I mean the Adidas thing....you run DMC?"  His entire table started busting on him and it was our time to leave.  I tried to drive to Seattle, but Pat Sajack took the keys from me and drove.  All the better.

We got to the bar and it was the Portland boys and myself.  We went directly downtown and found a nice bar and entered Hove picked up my cover and first 3 beers (I paid for the food and drinks at the first bar) and we entered.  We stood around for awhile and then I went to find the ladies.  I was in my kilt so I put on my worst Scottish Accent and approached some girls.  One stood and said, "are you from Scotland."  I nodded and she goes...great...I am from Norway.  It is so nice to be around Europeans.  I hate Americans...so obnoxious...so I let some anti American sentiment run over, but turned it back on Euro trash and how they all suck.  She was hanging on me for some time and then she introduced me to Nigel Twattingly-Bottom (credit to Didds).  "He is from England....."  Oh no I thought.  I am gonna be busted.  I also made the mistake of telling them my name was Montana.  Covered it with the fact my parents were huge John Wayne fans.....whatever that would mean....and went with it.  He asked where I was from, and I told him Glasgow.  He said he was just up there and loved it.  Now I was completely on my own......."Whet the fck ya toking bout (accents are tough to spell....so never mind)  it is an ugly town.  I hate Glasgow.  I slipped up again and called him a Pom, which is what Aussies call them, not Scots.  So I quickly countered with "I just got back from Australia.  Man they hate you guys more than we do."  He pretty much bugged off and I won.  The girl talked to me a bit more and a Euro trash boy popped over and took her home.....so I was to find company with a good friend, Bud(weiser).  I went to get a beer and stepped on something.  My flip flops were thin rubber and it was caught on the bottom.  I tried to use my toe to knock it off.  Unfortunately it was a piece of glass, which cut my big toe...spilling blood all over.  After we get booted from the bar, we rush to a convenience store to pick up more beer.  We get in our cars and start back.  Pat is a bit more drunk this time, but he drives.  As we are returning, he lets out a silly giggle and says, "I just took that corner at 60 mph, and it was limited to 35 mph.....I am a race car driver."  I sigh and drink more beer.  We arrive at Seth's girlfriends house and we drink beer, she cleans my toes with iodine or something and it burns.  We make fun of Chavez who thinks he is gonna crash on the couch til I lay on him with my kilt open...promising to be gentle with him all night...he rolls off the couch and is happy to be ont he floor.  WE give poor Chavez more crap (maybe too much) and we go for food.  We get back and Chavez is gone.  I pass out after eating and wake up to news that we are bombing Afghanistan.  Hove and I get in my car and head back to his car and to points south.

After a needed crap break, some food at McDs and pick up some beer I make it back to Portland and get ready for my business meeting the next day.  I stop by my old buddy from college's house and chat with him and his lovely family.  I wreak of booze, rugby and filth, but he welcomes me with open arms.  He played rugby with me back in College and we talk about some of the better days together.  I take off for the mountains and my meeting and make it around 2 am.  I am exhausted.  The meeting went uneventful and while returning to Portland to fly out, I see a young girl hitch hiking.  I pull over to give her a ride and she jumps in.  I now know why you don't pick up hitch hikers.  She had to be the stupidest girl ever.  So much for my fantasy of a porn movie reenactment, more like a slasher film with her intellect.  I dropped her off, found a hotel for the night and hit the road the next day back to DC.

Trip success.  Both Portland and Valley are good Idiots.