The Pirates of the Paxtuxent

FOIB hits the Phatback 10s tourney in St. Mary's City, MD


I had planned on going to Saranac, but without a job, that seemed like it wasn't going to happen.  So I heard about a little 10s tourney in Southern Maryland that coincided with the Governor's Cup Yacht Race.  Seems a bunch of well to do people race their yachts from Annapolis to St. Mary's City and then party all day in the small town.  I am always up for a new adventure and bringing 10 Idiot Brothers to a small bayside town full of rich people seemed like a good plan.  I was game.

So I got the boys together via email.  The numbers climbed as we went along and by Friday night we had 11 players and myself.....who would be coaching.  Without insurance, I felt obligated to STAY OFF THE PITCH.  SO again, I took up the cheerleading role and drank beers and watched, but this is getting ahead of the story.

It was 3 AM on Friday by the time I reached my house.  I decided it was futile to sleep since I would be getting up at 530 AM to clean my car and then picking the boys up at 6 AM.  I watched a few movies, drank a couple beers and after clearing out Godzuki (for those of you who don't know;  Godzuki is my Suzuki Sidekick.  Armed with spacious head room, comfortable back seat  - people often pass out there when on tour, and most importantly:  Beer Stealth.  This was a gift I received from the CIA.  The car becomes invisible to police if it senses beer inside.  It had never failed me.)  So anyways, Godzuki had been cleared of beer cans from the floor boards, as well as a few squirrels that had taken up residence.  I was then on my way to pick up Normy, an idiot brother to be, as soon as he plays 15s.  I have watched the man pound 3 beers consecutively out of a bottle in less than 8 seconds.  A feat I have accomplished only through the use of a snorkel or scuba gear, but that is another story.

After picking up Normy, it was off to get Snatch.  This had become his name for 2 reasons.  He was from Northern Irleand and I couldn't understand a thing he said, like Brad Pitt in the same named movie, but also because his name is Pete and we already have one Pete:  Lord knows we can't have 2.  So Snatch was a few minutes late, but on the whole we were off in stellar time. Only 10 minutes later than schedule.  I quickly dipped into the beer stash I had and by the time we reached the playing ground south of the Washington, DC area, I had a bit of a buzz on.

We pulled in and quickly ran into Bill the Kicking Prop (IB 46) and walked over to the shade.  Along the way, Snatch commented on the dire shape of their pitch.  I looked at the grass and said, "get used to it, this might be one of the best pitches in the area."  Granted the ground had been baked in the recent 100 degree temperature (35+ celcius), but all in all, it was flat and had something that resembled green grass sprouting from the earth.  He sighed and walked on.  We set up camp and were quickly guilted into leaving by an old man "telling" us to stop swearing.  We moved a bit further down, more into the shade and found IB 40, Bob LaHore.  Then Roger showed up, another Washington Prop (IB 85).  Another Washington Player:  Jaron showed up soon after and we were starting to look like a club.  Rom then arrived (IB 27) and Cam and Tom G arrived.  Francois, our final player would be reffing and playing, so we needed to find an alternate player.  The spot was soon filled by Bill, 2nd row from West Potomac.  His club failed to show up that morning and he whored with us as well.  The team, with one real back and two non-front row forwards hit the pitch vs Quantico (a Marine team).

The tourney had a great set up, but as usual were a bit off on time.  We finally hit the pitch in the 101 degree temperature and led at the half thanks to the boot of Bill the Kicking Prop.  In the second half we sorta dropped the ball and the Marines stormed ahead, winning by a try.

The second match was very similar to the first, with FOIB losing in the second half, after leading the first 10 minutes.  Another loss by 7 to the hosts PAX river.  The 3rd match saw a complete decimation of FOIB as a group of Harlots dominated every phase of the game and we lost to them by 30.  Bill the Kicking Prop nearly made MVP of the Tourney by narrowly missing a 50 metre drop goal.

The final match saw the plunger award going to the winner.  Southwest Virginia RFC had traveled 8 hours to get to the tourney and still hadn't found the win column.  They were a relatively new side, with some former collegiates.  From the start FOIB was on top, but this time they didn't stop in the 2nd half and we won by a 19-5 advantage.  

Great play from Roger at scrum half, Tom G at Fullback, Bill the Kicking Prop, and West Pot Bill at Wing were all given credit.  Rom and Cam both went out during the 3rd match to injuries but played well, and great play by Normy (in his first match with more than 7 people involved) and Snatch (his first match in the US) gave us all something to be proud of.  Of course Bob Lahore getting around the field very well helped in our cause and kudos to Francois for coming in during the final match to help with the win.  Of course tourney MVP was Jaron's running up the gut unmercifully at centre and scoring tries all day.  

Now the fun begins.

Pax River made sure the social affairs were in order.  Food and Beer were available to all the players.  They had several ladies from the women's college side at the tourney as well.  Rugby stories and descriptives to where to go for parties were discussed and the boys from PRRFC treated everyone as an honored guest.  Thanks guys for a great weekend.

We all gathered in our shrinking shade patch as the heat still blasted us.  Cam, who had spent the night previous at his father-in-law's home just up the road, invited us all back to the pool for a nice cooling off swim and some beers.  The crowd slowly departed after several drinks of beer from the hosts.  Jaron and I stayed to do a bit of cleanup on the keg and was joined by Quantico (who was not about to leave until the beer was gone) and the PAX River guys.  We stayed, ate burgers and hot dogs and enjoyed the cold beer in the extreme heat.  In the background we could hear the party down in St Mary's City as the Raggae band continued to play.  The sun was lowering and the rugby stories started to be told.  Two future idiot brothers from Quantico discussed our past nights together.  My club and Quantico have a nice love/love/hate relationship.  We love to play against them because they always host us well.  We also really enjoy their guys.  However, some of their meat heads, not knowing how to play rugby, tend to get a bit illegally rough and fights tend to break out.  

After a few more beers and a few random verses of rugby songs, we found ourselves making plans for the night.  I had booked a hotel down the road, but was disappointed to find out it was no where near the parties.  I had to check in because of the deposit, but decided we would try to find Normy and Rom (who had returned from the pool party with stories of 18 year old girls swimming in the pool and beer everywhere - blast).  They made their way to Solomon Island (where the big parties were) and we had hoped to find them.  As we were cleaning up to take off, we noticed a crowd around an individual on the ground.  Turns out during a wrestling match between two Pax guys, he was knocked out.  They decided to call for an ambulance when several police and first responders arrived.  We chose to depart at this point and found our way to the motel, along the way picking up some beers.  

We arrived to find the 8 room motel crowded with yachters and fishermen.  I tried to cancel the room but was told I had to pay for it.  So I changed it to 1 person (making it cheaper) and we showered up and Jaron and I were back off, headed for the Governors Cup Party.  I brought about 75 glow in the dark necklaces with me from the Sea Isle adventure and soon were selling them left and right.  Children started to approach and after one child tried to bargain his way down to 83 cents, I told him I would just give it to him.  I ended up giving out about 10 or 15 to children to their delight.  I was still a head on cash and we found the Marines.  They offered up beers and we talked about rugby and the weekend.  Several had found some of the locals fun and attractive.  Others were in it for the beer only.

About this time a few local girls approached and directed us to a local bar.  The Marines sounded excited to go and we loaded up in Zuki.  We were parked on a hill next to the town and at the time it seemed the logical to just take the vehicle the shortest direct route, down the hill, through the ditch and back on the road.  Godzuki didn't stop once.  She was on the highway in no time and we were on our way down the road.  Jaron and I listened to some music, drank the last of our beers and walked into the Green Door.  The door guys pointed our kilts out to the rest of the staff and I quickly found the bar and ordered some drinks.  Jaron followed suit and we both were drinking from pitchers, mingling with Marines and locals, and doing shots of Sambuca.  Around 1 AM the party seemed to start to die, so we decided it was best that we headed back up the road to Solomon Island to find Rom and Normy.  We wished our aquatic armed force farewell and good luck and headed out.

We got into Godzuki again and made our way up the road.  We were soon lost and pulled into a gas station for directions.  I pulled up and noticed a cop standing right in front of me.  I got a bit nervous and Jaron set his beer on the dash, but in true beer stealth mode, the officer failed to notice the shiny Miller Lite can in the front window.  So I quickly lowered it to the floor.  Jaron got the directions and we headed out.  We finally made our way across the river and into Solomon, but failed to notice the exit.  About 8 miles down the road, we turned around and headed back to Solomon, finding it this time and finding a sweet parking job right in front of the Tiki Bar.  As we got to the front door, we were told that Last Call had just been called and that we were out of luck.  At this point Jaron and I decided to make a run for DC.  We had seen a sign that said, 54 miles to Washington, DC.  We knew it was easily 35 miles back to our hotel.  We figured, what the hell....see if we can get to the Bottom Line before 230 AM.  So we stopped at 7-11, picked up some supplies (7-up for the drive, some food, and tums and we were off).  

About 10 miles down the road I see the blue lights.  I had started to feel a bit tipsy at this point (and why not, I had drank for almost 24 hours straight at this point and hadn't slept in 40 hours.  So I pulled over.  The officer approached and asked for the usual stuff, which I somehow found without problem.  He then asked if I knew why he had pulled me over.  I replied no and he told me because I had swerved on the road.  I quickly explained that I almost dropped my 7-up  and pointed to the extra large cup of soda.  He walked off and then I noticed the 3 other cop cars with him speed off in a northern direction.  He approached, gave me my license and asked me to be more careful in the future.  

I was shocked at first, that Godzuki's beer stealth had failed, but then she pulled the Jedi Mind Trick on the cop.  I didn't actually hear her say it, but it must have been like this:  "These are not the drunks you are looking for.  Move along."  And the cop replied, "These are not the drunks I am looking for.  Move along."  Either way, we were free.  And I was scared shitless.  Nothing like a possible DUI to both wake you up and sober you up.  For another 20 minutes anyways.

The final 30 miles of the trip seemed to take over an hour.  Getting lost, pulling over for piss breaks, and finding the exit to our interstate seemed futile and by the time I reached home, I was ready to go to bed, not to the line.  Zuki got my home and proven herself again as the ultimate Tourmobile.  Near scare, but in all a good weekend for the Idiot Brothers.