A night in Pittsburgh, PA
| The day began, as many rugby days do, running well behind schedule.
I had stayed with my friend Harry the night before to get a jump on the drive.
We had planned on leaving for Pittsburgh at 7 AM to assure we would arrive
on time.
Our Rugby match was not until 7 pm that night, but we had plans to see the Pittsburgh Steelers Grid Iron Squad open their new stadium with a match vs the Detroit Lions. Kick off was at noon and our 9 AM departure would surely cause us to be late. We jumped into Godzuki, my Suzuki Sidekick, and headed north to Pittsburgh (3+ hours away.) We picked up some beer north of Washington, DC and were back on the road. Harry, who had recently been lifted to A side, had no beers, but I was on injured reserve and finished the 12 pack during the drive. We got to Pittsburgh, found the stadium, got our tickets, loaded up on some food and beer and headed down to meet Harry's friends from Pittsburgh that got us the seats. After introductions and thank you(s), we settled in for some sunny football and cool beer. The game ended and we made our way to a pub to get some food and a couple more beers. Harry became paranoid around 530 pm and we departed to find the field. His friends sent us north looking for the stadium, but all we found was the outskirts of town. We interrogated the locals, and asked if they had seen any caravans of large, brutish men with foreign plates. Indeed they had and showed us the way to the pitch. Harry ran over to warmups (30 minutes) late, and I carried the jerseys over. I was given the ultimate punishment for my late arrival....I was was forced to touch judge. After putting on quite a nice buzz, it was ripped from me by the sadistic running on the line before the games ended, I was ready for some beers and when the whistle blew I headed straight for the clubhouse. I hopped into my kilt, as did several other boys on my club,
and soon we were drinking keg beer and talking about how great
we used to be and about all the women that have loved Pittsburgh, who had sneaked out a close win, promised to We jammed on the way there and were surprised that we actually made it out of a bar with a full brigade of PAC partiers with. As we got to the Pitt Strip, I quickly realized, I was out of chewing tobacco. Our guides into the world of Pittsburgh, an Aussie, Kiwi and American....gave me some snuff, which is a tobacco product you "snort." After my brain stopped burning and I was able to see again, we hit the bar dressed in New Years eve hats that we found at their club bar. Big Jesse met up with several girls and explained that I was Russian and he would translate. We babbled off some gibberish (the words to the Soviet National Anthem - See USSR tour story) and amazed the girls with my foreign language. (One girl actually said, "you are right, he is Russian, I heard you speaking with him in Russian.") Well the bar was in full swing, and everyone was digging the rugby players.... but strangely at 2 AM they told us we had to leave the bar. The American player for Pittsburgh, "Puppy" told us of an "after hours" bar down the street and that we were all going to go there and drink the rest of the night for $10. I was in disbelief. On the way out, I grabbed our lock, Chris and approached these 2 young ladies and said, "So...ladies...if you get really desperate tonight, we will have sex with you." Apparently pleased by our forward approach, and giggling they agreed to meet us out later On the way out the door, Harry, who had been drinking like a champ hit the inevitable "Stokes Wall" rendering him near unconscious and giving him a medium cut on his head. Slim Jim decided it was in his best interest to bring Harry back (along with the other guys) to the hotel, leaving Super Boy, myself and Chris to hit the Steel town late-night. But at this point, with my nose clouded with foreign tobacco powder and many hours to go, I was dead set on finding some Cope. Puppy agreed to have his girlfriend drive me to a convenience store and we loaded up in her car. After buying my Copenhagen product, we returned to the club, where I offered to pay for their entry as a thank you for the ride. They refused and told me they would see me in there soon, but somehow after seeing Puppy proceed to checkot of 7-11 with the 'jumbo' box of Trojan's, I guessed that would be the last we'd see of the Pittsburgh boys. So I entered and low and behold, sure enough $10 cover, but since it was 'illegal' buy beer after hours, the club actually gave it away. Free beer all night . I was in Heaven. I got 5 beers instantly and went to look for my boys. I found Chris right away (hard to miss a 6'6" guy in a bar filled with clubbing girls and NSYNC boys. ) I gave him a beer and we looked on stage as this guy wearing baggy jeans and wearing several (about 1000) glow in the dark necklaces around his neck, was dancing. Upon further inspection, I noticed he was sucking on a baby pacifier and going into some type of convulsion. I laughed for a while and tried to approach the spectacle when low and behold I felt something ripping into my shin. Damn steps to the stage. I looked down and saw my leg dripping blood and decided to move along. While it might have done me well in the past, I figured I was not meant to be on stage at this crowd |
Super Boy found me at the bar sipping on beers and took one from
me. I told him this was fantastic, which he agreed, but for different reasons.
Big Jesse is a big fan of clubbing. I am a big fan on $10 all you can drink.
When I tried to explain that the beer was free, he refused to believe it until
he ordered some and was charged nothing. About that time, this little girl
approached me and said, "I know you." She obviously was mistaken, but I didn't
mind. I talked to her for a while and it looked like it might be a potential
interesting side attraction. When I later found her, she was with 6 of her friends. Several were extremely dike looking and I figured they must be all gay (which I found out was true). I spoke with the ladies at long length. One of the lesbians approached me and asked if I would kiss each of them and tell them which was the best kisser. I thought surely this was a joke, but after sucking face with the six ladies I was a believer. The one that approached then started getting a bit fresh. She put her hand under my kilt and checked out my boys. She then realized she might get caught by her girlfriend so she turned her back to me and reached around behind herself and continued to play with my frank and beans. About this time I took out my chewing tobacco and put a dip in. Superboy, who had caught what was happening only seconds before then starts to laugh as he sees me put my dip in. He later told me, "Montana, only you would put a dip in while getting a hand job under you kilt in a bar." The other boys tried their luck with the girls. Powell engaged some of them with enchanting tales about his college nickname and being a former Rodeo star, while Superboy tried to really drill some others on why they enjoyed the fruits of a woman more than a man....... "So really, did you have a problem with your father? Though their efforts were valiant, none of them were having my luck with the lesbos 5 AM the one man Party and Jeff get into their car and will lead SB, Chris and myself home. 5:22 AM the Party pulls over and asks someone how to get out of Pittsburgh. 5:40 AM The party pulls into a 7/11 and asks the clerk how to get out of Pittsburgh. 5:45 AM We realize the directions that the clerk gave us are incorrect (dead end) so we return 5:50 AM I crack my 2nd beer of the drive (which I smuggled out of the club), Jesse passes out. 6 AM We go back to the clerk and ask him if he knows what he is talking about. He points out we turned the wrong direction. We return. 6:18 AM We make the "right" turn and find that road is blocked off too. We drive around in a circle....on a circle and double back to our clerk friend. When we drive on the circle, Jesse's head smacks against the glass. Chris and I laugh. 6:25 AM We return and the clerk is dumbfounded. A customer agrees to escort us out of Pittsburgh. 6:28 AM The escort has ran 3 red lights and 5 stop signs, but we remain in sight. Jesse's head bangs against the glass 8 more times. (6 times it was because Chris swerved just to hear it smack.) 6:38 AM We lose the escort on a series of traffic lights. 6:42 AM We pull into a police station and the Party asks for directions. 6:45 AM The Party get's thown in jail for drunken disorderly KIDDING 6:45 AM Pittsburgh's finest give us another set of directions. We meander around the town for a bit longer, find our out and head for our hotel. Jesse's head smacks another 3 times. 6:50 AM We are driving down Rt 28 and I start to pass out myself. 6:52 AM I mumble something about "that tree up on the horizon must be lonely because only Cunts come running down hills." A baffled Chris tells me to shut up. 7 AM we land at the hotel. We run in and wake up Dobber and head over to the Diner next door. After an interesting breakfast, in which we scared 2 families away and teased the old waitresses (ie Flo from Mel's Diner). We then crash like rock stars and are awaken around noon by our boys. We realize that no one with a car is left, and SB and I have left our cars about 4 miles away at the rugby club's bar. We call HP to come and get us and he arrives about 30 minutes later. In the mean time Jeff, Harry, SB and Myself chat about the night before, eat KFC and drink Peach Citrus juice in the hotel lobby. They arrive and we get our cars and head back to DC. |