The Wal[es]ing of Sirens
The Trip through Oz continues In Cairns, Queensland
Story is graphic in sexual nature. Be advised.
We end up sitting down at PJ Obriens and drinking. I do a fly by and see a table of obvious UKers (very pasty). I walk up and say, "Hi I am with the Jehovah Wittness church and I would like to talk to you about armageddon." They laugh and say that they are members. I sit down and we chat. There are 3 Welsh chicks: Fat welsh chick = fwc, Bitter welsh chick = BWC (her name is lucy), and Hot welsh chick (HWC) and then there is a pom who is pretty hot. I decide to go for BWC because of the challenge. We all talk for awhile and she says to me, "I am so jealous of you. You have so much courage and are such a personality you can just walk into a group and just start talking and capitivate your audience. I wish I were like you. I thought you were just another obnoxious American." We chat a bit and then HWC and BWC leave for awhile. I go tell Bubby, who has ran into a mate of his, my progress and he tells me to carry on....damn no wing man.
So I get back and they are still gone. I move in on the POM. We talk a bit and I dance with her for a while and then BWC and HWC come back with Bubby and Jason (his buddy). BWC is staring at me....I am now sitting next to POM. Jason, however, and pom are engaged in conversation, so I grab BWC and start dancing with her. She sits on my lap and tells me that she is "stimulated by me physically and mentally and would love to be like me and wants to go home with me and for me to teach her my ways." We drink for while (I buy like $80 worth of drinks for everyone) and HWC and Pom leave. BWC tells me that POM has sabotaged my plan to go home with her. Pom "said that you were hitting on her when I was away and that all I want is sex." I tell her that I actually would just rather have a nice smelling person to sleep next to other than an stinky prop" and point to Bubby...who is giving her the thumbs up in agreement. WE all agree to go across the street to the Woodshed, a dance bar.
So we hit this bar and the $5 cover on a Tuesday seems ridiculous but then we get up stairs and the place is packed with hotties. Ridiculous hotties.
I decide to pull the Tao of Steve and push BWC away. The Tao of Steve are 3 simple rules of being Steve ("Steve is the man on his horse, the guy alone. He has his own code of ethics, his own rules of living. Steve isn't just a name, it's a state of mind. It's a way of living. James Bond is a Steve. Spider man is a Steve.....all cool guys are named Steve - Steve Austin, Steve McQueen, etc...).
The Rules are: Rule 1: Eliminate your desires. If you're out with a girl and you're thinking about getting laid, you're finished. A woman can smell an agenda.
Rule 2: You have to do something excellent in her prescence, therefore proving your sexual worthiness.
Rule 3: After you eliminate desire, and after you've proved your excellence,
you must retreat.
"We pursue that which retreats from us" -- Heidegger.
"Act like a woman can't join your club, and she'll do almost anything
to get in." -- Groucho Marx.
So I go and start talking to a bunch of hotties and they just love the American Accent...mostly Swedish chicks...a couple were nuts (very hot) About 6 foot tall, blonde - ridiculous. So the girl says, where are you from. I reply, Montana...she asks where that is...I say "the old west....you know 'I'm a cowboy...on a steel horse I ride, and I am wanted dead or a live." She asks what that song was and I reply, Bon Jovi. She is dumbfounded. I start singing living on a prayer and she seems to remember it. So I teach her it and we sing it....well I decide the DJ should play it. I find him and the system is a music system that shows the music video on all the tvs while the music plays...very cool. I request it and the DJ decides to play it....but doesn't look happy about it. So I go back and talk to the swede, when suddenly Living on a prayer comes on.....Everyone in the bar starts singing it and the girl and I are arms locked screaming it....the entire bar erupts into the song. I walk back by BWC (when the Swede hooks up with some other dude...guess I was just her music man....damn) Anyways, and BWC grabs me and starts kissing me. She tells me that I have turned her on so much and she wants to be with me. (Thank you Steve!)
SIDE NOTE: DJ comes up to me the next night and says, "I can't believe it...it was a hit." Turns out they have never played that ever, and that he was shocked that it was so popular.
Back to BWC...so we make out in the corner for a good couple hours...she is grabbing the unit and Bubby and Jason and FWC are just laughing. Each time we stop however, she goes, You just want to use me...and I am like, hey, I am just happy chatting with you....then she attacks me again. Then she stops and tells me I am just an obnoxious American and attacks me again.....
Finally she says, I want you to find another girl to go home with us. I want to share you with another women. I am like, It is 3 am....we don't have time to find another girl. She says, then I won't go home with you. At this point, I am too piss drunk to find a chick and come on...if I could find one girl, that was pretty good...odds of two were impossible. Long story short, she wanted another girl, I couldn't get one and she decided she would rather not go home with me.
WE get back to the hotel and I am piss drunk, pissed off, and we have
to get up at 7 to go touring.
The next night bubby and I hit the same locales....
So We get to a bar don't know the name...it is the bar on Days of our lives (didn't know that until Bubby pointed it out...the name is not the bar) Anyways, we hit this bar and their is a live band, and a small group of people. We have a couple nice beers and watch some rugby league and then head to PJs.
I arrive and we find 3 Poms standing around chatting. So I fly in. They are interested at first, but as the conversation goes...I am losing them. Bubby steps in and says, "brother you are about to be shot down over Macho Grande...I am pulling your rip cord." We are about to leave and he points to this one girl, alone. She looks like she might be a bit heavy but cute.
I say, "I like groups better....she is a lonely freighter in a sea of ships. As a pilot, It is much more of a challenge to torpedo a Battleship (hot hot girl) or a Destroyer (hot girl). Freighters are...well less challenging." He looks over my shoulder and says, "a destroyer just moved in." I turn around and yes, he is right. So we engage.
We start chatting and things are going good except one is Welsh (Welsh Chick = WC and the other is a Pom named LUCY...what is it with Lucys and Welsh) Well we chat, I give them a back rub, we do some crazy drinking trick I will show you when I get back, they do the snorkle and all is going ridiculously well...they are getting pretty toasted and say, "where to now boys." I reply, our place? They say, how about another bar and then your place. I am cool with that so we go to the Woolshed again.
We arrive and the girls take of like Roman candles...every direction. Start talking to all types of guys. I ask Bubby if I should play steve and he says that they are too drunk for logic....you need to resort to caveman....club them and let us go. Well, they don't respond to clubbing and have completely lost interest. Something about that fantastic bar and me dont mix. So pursue other girls, but it is late and the hook ups are all in line. They played Bon Jovi again and I found one nice POM that enjoyed singing it with me and an Aussie girl that requested for me because it was fun to sing...but otherwise, nada.
We start talking to these Aussie Navy guys that sat next to us on the plane. One was like, "You were spitting into a bottle the entire flight. That was so gross." Glad to know the Australian Navy has such strong stomachs. One of them was really funny though...he was like, in the highest falceto voice possible (his real voice) "I say we make a circle...and don't let anyone through unless they are polite and say excuse me...the bastards keep spilling my drink (which was a pitcher of Bourbon and coke)." He went on to say (again sounding like Mike Tyson) When I was young, I was really small and got picked on a lot....but then I filled out and I went back and found those guys and I showed them."
Then a couple Canadians came over and started chatting about my Capitals (Hockey team) jersey. We talked for a while and they went off. Bubby and I were getting piss drunk when I went up to order another pitcher and this Pom started talking about hockey...and was like Jagr should do well with the Caps. I was like, yeah....he is good. The Canadian heard this and started slamming him for letting down Lemieux. I turned and said, "he wasn't a very loyal mate for trading his friend because he had a bad game." The Canadian said, "those are fighting words." I replied "bring it on Biotch..." and we laughed and walked away.
A minute later the door guy approaches and said, I need to talk to you downstairs. I follow and he says, my manager wants you to leave. I was like, why? He said he would find out. So the big maori outside said he would watch me. He came back and said that I was starting a fight upstairs. I tell him the situation and he goes back up. The manager still won't let me in, so I ask if I can go up and get bubby..he escorts me up and Lucy2 and WC are like, where are you going....I am like, getting kicked out...and they are dumbfounded. I tell Bubby to pocket 2 beers and come down asap.
On the way out the canadians are like, Where are you going...and I explain the situation and they are like, No...he is good..we were joking, but no good, I am out.
Bubby shows up downstairs with another of the Navy guys and we decide to hit this bar up the street that is open til 5. The navy guy pays our entry (at 330 am they are charging $10) we get in and there is maybe 20 people there. Some hot chicks, but mostly older people. One older lady approaches me and is hitting on me. She looked as if she had been out in the sun for 40 years. (something about mary) I run away and we chat with the navy guy for a long time. He is in complete awe of us. He tells me that that US Navy are the greatest guys and when either side goes to each others bases, they take each other out. The funny thing is he was a twin of Dean O.
Well we are dancing when the older lady just takes off her shirt and is dancing topless. She is kicked out and then we all are. WE end up going home at that point, via a gas station to get Meat pies. No pies, but it had like a buffet of fried food. So I got one of each...sampler platter of Aussie fried drunk food. Pretty good.
For the most part, Cairns is one of the greatest hot chick places I have seen...(I know it is limited, but ridiculous.)
The travels are finished with a stop over in Brisbane to see Kevin's family. We have tickets to the Goodwill games that night and go watch boxing, which was pretty funny. Before we went, Bubby took me to this restaurant that served only steaks. you pick out your meat and you tell em how to cook it and they bring it to you. It was very very good. We got to the boxing match and 90% of the people watching were Australians that must have won tickets. They would lose interest every now and then and someone would yell out, "Aussie Aussie Aussie" and someone would reply, "Oy Oy Oy." I later asked Bubby why they have that yell, and his reply was, "you heard the Haka...intimidating. All we got is that bloody Waltzin Matilda. We need something else."
We trained back to his home in Cleveland and I fell asleep. The
trip had certainly started to wear me down. Only one day remaining
on the trip...and it was a quiet day of seeing Ballymore, the former Wallabies
home pitch, now home of the Queensland Reds, and the Gold Coast.
I was excited.
We arrived at Ballymore after seeing the coast and I put my boots on
and ran around the pitch. It was amazing. The stadium was beautiful.
Those hallowed grounds inspired me to get off my ass and get back into
rugby when I got home. I wanted a trophy and I would get one, God
willing.
The trip ended with a flight back to the states with the US Goodwill
games team. One hot chick sat near me, but that was as far as I got
with her. I do have a nice picture of her ass.....while she was bending
over reading emails at a terminal email computer. Oh well...sick
puppy I am.
Oh and the movie on the flight back were, "Bridget Jones Diary (once on the OZ/US Flight and once on the LA/DC Flight) It sucked. Also watched Moulen Rouge, which at the end of, I shook my head, drank a beer and said, "I think I may have liked that movie." I also saw DR Doolittle 2, and some pathetic movie about Irish people.
When I got home, I rushed out to see my friends on the town and Harry,
MJ and I went out drinking. Had a descent time and I recovered the
next day. Two days later terrorist would seize 4 planes in the US
and kill over 4,000 people, including 18 rugby players. To view a
list of the rugby players, go visit NYAC
or Old Blue's web page. And
buy a bumper sticker from Hooker-rugby.
The proceeds go to the families of the rugby players. I may have
come up with the idea, but you can buy them and help the families in this
disaster.