We got out of town around noon and downed several beers along the way.  MJ went beer for beer with me for the first 6 hours of the 10 hour journey.  We played a silly game called "any time you see a 3 on a road sign, you must drink."  This game got ugly during the 330 mile exits.  Especially since one of the exits had several service signs (gas, food, lodging, historic site, etc....).  During the 12 hours, JC annoyed the hell out of me, I annoyed the hell out of Aussie Paul (who wasn't drinking) and Auggie asked for pit stops to piss every few minutes.  When we finally crossed the Tennessee border, we started getting Knoxville radio.  When Guns and Roses came on, MJ and I stripped off our shirts (like we do at Mad Hatters each weekend) and did some little dance routine.  JC, Kiwi John, and Auggie sat dumbfounded.  Paul and Brian knew all too well what we were doing.  

We finally arrived at our hotels and decided it was time to find a bar.  We figured we would hit a bar in the small suburb we were staying in.  We asked the hotel manager where a bar was and we were informed that bars in Sevierville County closed at midnight.  We then decided it was time to go to Knoxville....preferrably the College area.  We loaded up in the van and headed out to U of T.  We decided that we all would have aliases for the night.  I was Sue.  Kiwi John was Fat Tony (KJ is neither fat or Italian looking).  MJ was trying to find a name for himself and said, "I want to be that guy that betrayed Jesus in Jesus Christ Super Star."  I say, "Judas?"  Yeah he replied.  I told him Judas was also a character in the actual bible as well.  We laughed and jumped out of the van and found a nice bar.  We walked in and drank several beers.  The crowd was sparse (spring break) but there were several cute girls.  I sat down at a table with some ladies and the boys soon joined me.  JC struck out twice with the girls and as we were leaving that bar, looking for a dance club, the jukebox played "Come on Eileen," by Dexys Midnight Runners.  Kiwi John and I danced.  KJ started jumping up and down to the song spraying beer all over the crowd.  We were then asked to leave.  

We walked across the street to this dance club.  At the front door stood a Knoxville police officer.  Auggie, who was 18, had his brothers ID.  Auggie is the son of a diplomat at the Argentinan Embassy.  As we showed our IDs, the guy looked at the ID for a few extra seconds (most likely trying to find the date on the ID in Spanish).  Auggie quickly says, "It's me...really."  We thought we were done at that point, but we survived.  We entered the bar and found a huge dance club packed.  At one end of the club was a big caged area with hot chicks dancing in it.  

We danced for a while and drank some beers and I decided it was time to do the Mad Hatter dance in the cage.  I asked MJ to join me and he agreed without hesitation.  We made our way across the club and found the entrance, but were turned away by the door guy.  He explained that only women could escort men into the cage.  I quickly grabbed a girl coming out of the bathroom and asked her to escort me in.  She did and I was in.  MJ asked her friend, but she refused.  The girl left after a while and I was alone in the cage.  Completely by myself.  I waited til MJ was in front of me and I ripped off my shirt.  I danced up there for about 40 seconds.  The crowd pointed, cheered and laughed.  Mj and Brian clapped.  About that time the bouncer was next to me.  He simply said, "Put your shirt back on.....I can't even do that."  I put my shirt back on and left the stage and found my friends.  

As the bar was closing, one of our guys (can't say who...rule 42) met a girl and was kissing her.  He was determined to take a girl home and he did.  We all loaded back up in the van and headed back to Sevierville.  When we arrived, we found that the other 2 vans were parked in the parking lot.  We went up to our rooms.  Since there were 7 of us in 2 rooms it would be a squeeze.  I decided I would not allow our mate and his new found love toy any privacy.  Since I am a voyeur as well, I decided to join them, much to their objections.  Since it was very dark in the room without lights, I decided to "watch a little TV."  They again objected, but before I knew it, I was asleep.  

I woke up hung over the next morning.  I had a very dry throat and realized that I still had my copenhagen in my lip from the night before.  I looked for my spitter and found it spilled on the bed.  My beer had also spilled on the floor.  I was a mess.  I looked over and found my teammate and the girl, still sleeping.  They woke up when the rest of the team came in and I was the butt of many jokes, until they got a look at the girl.  She was terrible.  She was a scrawny blonde with a dead tooth right in the front of her smile.  We later found out the girl also was homeless...she was staying in her car til it was towed.  At 20 years old she had 2 children who lived with her parents.  Both children had different fathers, one of which was in prison.  And it only got better when she told us her life goal was to be a stripper.  Then she wouldn't leave.  

We had a night game that night, so we had all day to relax.  Several of the guys went to the Smokey Mountain National Park, which was a nice side trip for the foreign players on our club.  A handful remained and were subjected to the girls company.  MJ, Brian and I escaped her company for a brief run over to K-Mart.  While there we bought a Brittany Spears Barbie Doll....just to check her out.  It was her school girl attire from the video.  It didn't take us long to strip her clothes and check out her goods.  We all suddenly felt like dirty old men.  How true.

We went to the field, still with our little 20 year old dead toothed girl with us.  I told my teammate that brought her home that he was responsible for getting rid of her.  I pretty much told him to get rid of her right in front of her face.  She began to HATE me at that point.  We played the game and were off to a good start with a quick JC try.  Brian knocked on 2 easy tries on the goal line and at half the score was still 7-0.  In the second half, Guges scored (Idiot Brother #32) and we slipped by with a nice 14-0 win.  In the second match (more like a 3rd half) I played center for about 5 minutes, but after waiting for the ball to come to me for 4 minutes, they called a skip and I simply got fed up with the boring game of backs.  

After the match, the Knoxville Possums explained that they had not secured kegs for the post match, but rather each player would buy a few beers for our guys.  We agreed, but let them know that we had to go home and shower and perform Kangaroo Court.  While we were dressing, I took several more crimes (I was the prosecutor).  I had a list of 25 charges to present to the judge (Aussie Paul) and we got underway.  Our 2 collegiate tag alongs from Catholic U were the designated "I need a beer...get me one scrub."  They ended up hoarding several beers for themselves, but performed admirally. \

Some of the charges included Brian Donnelly's knock ons (his fine was that he had to hold on to his drink with both hands and use a straw all night), our acting coach Marty Smithmyers charge for not only bringing a pressed shirt in a garmet bag, but having 2 and asking me which one looked better.  His fine was that he had to wear the PAC Rugby Beret...a hat that I got for my Ottawa trip and it looked extremely tacky.  I was also charged by Paul for annoying him the whole trip down, I would be not allowed to speak between bars.  I also had to make some rude reference to each girl I met for my voyeur acts from the night before.  After about an hour of court we found our way to their bar and found 5 of them remaining.  They must have all gotten bored and left.  The few that remained were dire hards however and we drank heavy.

One of the Catholic U guys had something going on with the bartender.  She was giving him free beers by the dozen.  He would tip her with a kiss.  We all were very confused, but enjoyed his ability.  We left around 11 pm for Knoxville and headed to a couple different bars.  As we were driving into town, the guy that hooked up with the nasty chick was sitting with her in my van.  I was in the front and Kiwi John was driving.  Everyone laughed and I turned on the overhead light to see the girl going down on him.  We laughed and she finished.  She spit his man mustard out and rubbed it on Tony D's knee (who was sitting on the other side of her.)  His nickname became Cum Knee.  We came to a stop and the guy that just got blown jumped out of the van and jumped in the other van, leaving the girl with us.  But before he did make his escape, he wiped a little of his goo that was on his pants into Kiwi John's hair.  KJ commented that he will never go bald on that spot.  We got to Knoxville and hit the bars.  The dead toothed girl was still tagging along and even attempted to sabotage Auggies entrance.  We met several of the Possums, along with girlfriends and their friends.  One girl had nice breasts, which everyone wanted to pose with.  See Harry and Auggie with this nice young lady.  We partied for a while at one bar and then crossed over to a different club.  

This club was a nice place with several hot chicks.  We all danced and then Come on Eileen came back on.  Kiwi John was fined for his spraying the crowd the night before while dancing, that he would have to do the "happy dance" (his dance from the night before...jumping up and down) each time he heard the song.  We all found him and we all danced the happy dance.  As we all bounced up and down, this girl approached me and said, let me dance with you.  I agreed and she bounced too.  I lifted her up and put her on my shoulder.  When the song was done, we were all quite tired.  The Happy dance will wear on your calves.  The girl left as soon as the song was done.  There were several hot chicks dancing on a bench and collecting money from guys.  The girls would then dance sexually in front of them.  It was quite a sham.  We found out it was about 1:50 AM and the stores stopped selling beer at 2 AM.  We ran to the nearest convenience store and found a huge line.  I saw JC was in line ahead of me with a case of beer.  He handed them his ID (a military ID) and they refused to accept it.  We argued for a few moments and by then it was too late to buy alcohol.  We all jumped back in the vans and headed home.  We left our dead toothed friend with our friends form the Knoxville Possums and headed back to Sevierville.

When we arrived we all headed to bed, except Brian, JC, Harry and I, who all shared 2 bottles of Apple wine that they bought earlier that day.  We passed out and headed back to DC.  Along the way, we looked for beer, but to no avail.  Many counties in Tennessee are dry on Sundays.  We finally found one, next to a porn shop.  JC bought a t shirt that said, "I'm here about the blow job."  (See Maggotfest 2001)

We made it home safe.  Another successful trip by PAC Rugby.