WHORS
Washington Handsome Overweight Rugby Side

Ottawa Expeditionary Force 1999
Washington Irish, PAC Rugby, Old Guard RFC, and the  IV Whoresmen
July 1999


 


    "We go forth with the courage of Lion Hearts,
     the dedication of gnats, the intelligence of
     captive turkeys and the hormones of 8th
     graders." Book of Earl, Svelt's Book of
     Stupidity, Scioto Valley RFC.
 

     "What happened?" I asked myself. I was
     staring into some fleshy mounds jiggling in
     front of me. When we took off last night, I
     didn't think I would find myself sitting in the
     Champagne Room watching Charlie gyrate
     her pelvic area and shake her nipples for $6
     American. I looked over her shoulder, and
     there was Harry, motioning to me to get a
     move on. I paid her for her dance and moved
     out of the club, feeling sorta cheap and used,
     just the way I like to feel on tour. 

     In retrospect, I should not have been drinking
     durin the 10 hour drive from Washington, DC
     to Ottawa, Ontario, but when on tour..well
     you can fill in the blank. We arrived at the
     Gypsy Rose around 3 PM. We had failed at
     our other attempts at Sin City. We got lost
     trying to find the mini-Vegas outside of
     Syracuse on the Indian Reservation. The strip
     joint in Brockville was closed til 4 PM, (it was
     only 2:30 PM). 

     We finally found the Rose and spent around 3
     hours at the establishment. When we had
     arrived, we listened to one of the strippers
     explain how to tip. "You lay on your back
     with a $1 coin in your teeth. The stripper will
     pull it out of your mouth with her breasts."
     Sounded good to the 6 of us. We spent
     around $30 on strippers, most of who looked
     bewildered at our behavior. According to the
     locals sitting in the bar, that is not how it is
     done, and they had never seen that before.
     The strippers took us and they thought it was
     funny. Funny it may have been, but with the
     exchange rate at 65%, we had the last laugh.
     We had titties in our face for a whopping 65
     cents.

     We drove to the beer store and bought enough
     beer to feed an Irish regiment for a week. We
     however, were Americans and knew we
     would need to buy more beer sooner than
     later. We then drove out to the pitch to meet
     the other 8 men on our club. The WHORS,
     was a harlot side with players from several
     clubs in the DC area. Half of our club was
     "old boys" who whore everywhere. We found
     their tents set up along field number 2. (Good
     choice considering we played on that pitch all
     day.) 

The Whoresmen, as the old boys are known, traveled in style. They brought a generator, TV, VCR, microwave, grill, deep fat fryer,  refrigerator, chairs, tarps, tents, funny lights, tiki torches, and a turkey to be deep fat fried on Saturday. Preparation: what a concept.
When we arrived it was raining very hard. 

The other half of our caravan party was a group of military players from the Old Guard
RFC. These boys enjoyed drinking, smoking, partying, and womanizing, and would set new single season records in these categories while in Canada. They took off towards town to find food and left us one of the tents.

It was cold and wet and we knew we needed to set up our tent soon before the ground
became too wet. Harry was starting to show his drunkenness. He swore a bit here and there and then took off his clothes and ran around the fields with a couple of the Kamp Krusty crowd. 

Kamp Krusty, UOVRFC's campsite, had become just as important of a part of the
tournament as referees were, which some players still argue. In any case, Harry found
his clothes and we moved the tent onto the "Indian's Burial Ground." I had not seen any
other clubs set up on the plateau last year, other than Indians, but Harry insisted on
setting up his tent there. I agreed and we dug through our tent for parts.  Harry proved that Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde do indeed exist within one man, and Harry was that man. Harry had let the high-octane Canadian beer and the shot of Vodka bring out the Cossack in him. He began screaming and yelling, getting angry and violent. The reason for his insanity, was....we were missing a part in the tent. The tent would not go up. He jumped on top of the tent and starting punching it, screaming "Why, why, why?" I had seen  behavior similar to this on occasion but not usually during the first 2 hours of the tourney. Granted we had been drinking for 10 hours, but still this scared me. I gave up on the tent, which made Harry even more angry. We both found ourselves sitting in the club house, drinking beer and talking to our "old boys" who were laughing at our tent setting up procedure. 

We would wait for the Old Guard guys and use their other tent.  I also talked to BJ and Tony about the cigars I brought to Canada and we shared some smokes and talked about the good times. Tony promised it would be sunny the next day, which I was very happy about. In the background a porno was playing on the big screen and the loud shrill voice of Harry screamed his last coherent sentence, "Shove it up her A$$."
 
                            

     Friday night around 10:30 PM we had our entire camp set up. The beer was in the cooler, the
     cooler was in the tent, along with out sleeping bags and pillows. Harry was MIA, but that was
     good, we had started getting tired of him by that time.

     The guys had started calling Harry, "Gay Larry," because of a comment he made early that
     night. He saw the hot tubs were running, but no one was in them yet. He remarked that he
     "hoped a bunch of good looking guys got naked and got into the hot tubs, so a bunch of good
     looking women did the same." Well the military boys never let up.

     Friday night showed a wet social scene in which rugby songs were song with flare, players
     wandered in and out of girls' tents, and the Old Guard players were working the booty. I
     introduced the guys to several people I had partied with last year, including Genevieve and 
     Johnnie. Johnnie, now 18, was one of the 17 year old girls that Greg had made out with. Gen
     was the girl who took a nose dive into the fire while stripping to Father Abraham last year.  
    We also met a new face, Sage, who was a friendly chick. She was a teammate of mine on the  
     Coed game that  night and we shared laughs and photos from the entire event. The guys met several
     other guys and girls that I had the pleasure of drinking with in 1998 and we partied into the wee
     hours of the morning.  
     
     I found myself outside my tent during the early morning hours talking to French Canadians about
     Copenhagen Long Cut, American Beer, South Park, and why English Canadians called them
     "frogs." I heard Marr and Tony snoring in the background and figured it was time to hit the hay
     (5:30 AM).

     I woke up and we found Harry sleeping in the back of my Suzuki Sidekick. We played our first
     games of rugby and were quite depressed about our performance. Our team was all forwards
     and we played like it. We lost all three games by a combined score of 101-0. We had fun though
     and we laid some nasty licks on their players. 

     While picking up a few players before our final game, I was asked by a local TV station to give
     an interview. I had been picked, not because of my rugby prowess, but rather the giant stuffed
     chicken we had taped on a tiki torch. I told the reporter the chicken was the emblem of our
     sponsor, Whiteys Bar and Grill in Arlington, VA. My 10 minutes of fame happened in Canada,
     with the conversion rate, it was only really worth 6.5 minutes of fame.

     Around 5 PM we found ourselves in front of the Whoresmen's tent watching pornos on their
     VCR and eating Deep Fried Turkey. We congratulated all of the players and awaited the Super
     League Game to be played. The rains moved in and put an end to the spectator participation as
     we all fled to the bar. Toronto was destroying the Eastern Ontario side by 40 points at half. 

     I warned Harry that he needed to relax and slow down a bit or he would find himself passed out
     at 8 PM again. He switched over to Rugby Spice and pounded a few more beers, screaming and
     yelling. Many women hid their children or their dildos in fear for them. Harry was possessed. 

     And the Prophet said, 'And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty. And it stayed its
     hand from killing. And from that day, it was as one dead.' Ancient Arabic Proverb.

     Then she walked into the room. Everyone turned and looked. While Jessica Lange was the only
     thing to relax King Kong, this blonde was the only thing that settled the beast named Harry
     down. Harry became overwhelmed by her and moved toward her to talk. We all held our breath
     to see if the beast would blow it. He spoke, she smiled, she laughed, and touched her hair..these
     were good signs. The continued to talk all night and later dance and soon they were gone,
     crawling up their own Empire State Building, not to be seen again. 

     The next day, I sat with Brian and Dave in the Old Boys Complex. Brian was tearing down the
     plot, and Dave, like like many Englishmen, sat on his ass and drank bloody Marys. I had a Red
     Beer and we laughed about how the three of us had not hooked up during the weekend. It was
     not our time nor our day.

     Harry returned from his Parisian woman's home with stories of toys, straps, and vibrating toilet
     seats. He told tales that made my skin crawl and my scrotum tingle, and most important of all,
     he was happy..because this dog had HIS day.

     According to the 1999 police reports:

     10. One Rochester player, got drunk, wondered back to the US border and caught a bus back to
     his hometown, all within 3 hours of arriving. 30 hour man hunt was called off when he arrived
     back in his apartment.

     9. Hot tubs were filled with naked women again.

        

     8. Harry uses lines like "Baby, I love sex. How about you?" and "I want to feel your stink hole."
     These lines didn't work with the ladies.

     7. Near mishap with two Old Guard players and a condom that was too big.

     6. Carried around stuffed Chicken on tiki torch, asking ladies if they want to "kiss my cock" or
     "pet my cock."

     5. Watched a guy referee hitting on Brian, one of our Whoresmen. Dave and I sat and laughed it
     his predicament. The referee might not have been gay, but sure liked to rub Brian's shoulders.

     4. Aurora RFC players let me in on the secret keg. Seems the concessions crew forgot to take
     the keg from the outside concessions area and it was still pouring (free) beer all night long.

     3. Walked into my tent and saw a smiling butt crack of a chick one of the Old Guard guys
     nailed. Not what I wanted to see at 5 AM.

     2. Harry scores with the first woman to return a complete sentence to him. Entire team is proud
     of his accomplishment.

     1. While I hadn't lost my voice, I did show over a dozen fellas what fun the Ottawa tourney
     was. All in all, rain included, the weekend was fantastic."

     Thanks mates...we had a great time.